minihulk

I’m starting to see things in a different perspective.
We are what we are and we act the way we act.
There is no point is trying to make life adjust to your need but you adjust to what life throws at us.
I can perfectly say I am unsatisfied with the world we live in and what it has to offer.
I can say with a full heart our time is nothing but a big mess with many adults who are still children.
I can say that as I sat there I watched all the cars moving from lane to lane.
I can say that our lives are meaningless and meaningful at the same time.
Can I really exist even if no one is around.
I am in someone’s thoughts but can I really exist.
Even so if I do this world is nothing but pathetic.
The only things that are true and pure are dead or silent.
I look at the world around me as an object and observatory.
I am completely unsatisfied with how in our time we are nothing but a mess.  
Even so I wonder if there is someone besides God watching over us.
If we are just someone’s play toy or pet.
I have no solid facts to back up my thoughts so for now they are just a myth.
It’s like the harder we try to get out the faster we sink in some situations.
How do humans even know what is best for another human.
How can we run and control humans, when it’s not in our nature.
How can you contain the sparrow from flying if it’s true purpose was to fly.
There are times that I don’t understand a lot but I feel a lot more than I understand.
It’s like a sting attached to my heart I can feel what everyone around me is feeling deeply and truly.
It’s scary in a way because sometimes I can feel the hurt, loneliness, sadness, and regret.  
I know when someone is lying and I know when someone is doing something behind my back.
It’s scary because I wish at times I was blind to the world because I am not.
I do not mean blind from sight but from feeling.
Feeling to much can hurt your own soul and trying to be everyone’s hero will only make the wound even deeper.
Even though I am not afraid to feel I am afraid of knowing the people I cherish in my life the most are hurt.
I wish I could just start over and make everything right but life is what it is.
I am content at the point I am because I only progress from here.
At times I wish I was better at other things than what I am good at now.
However, I don’t regret feeling so much because then I wouldn’t be able to express myself freely.
How I view this world is that each encounter we have makes us grow or spin backwards to old habits.
They seem to be trails that human beings bring upon themselves and some don’t ask for it. 
It’s interesting to see how life unfolds and it always has you at the edge, never knowing.
I observe everything I see and sometimes I blind myself to shut the world out.
I shut the world out so I can hear my own thoughts, own feelings, and words.
I sulk in it, bathe in my own emotions.
I shut the whole world out and only hear what is natural around myself.
I just wish sometimes I had more people that viewed the world with my perspectives.
Perspectives that are open and their horizons will never end.
Furthermore, I can honestly say I am scared of what this future holds.
It’s not because God wanted it, or whatever you may believe in.
It’s the work of human hands, souls, and minds.
Human beings can be very pathetic at times, if not all the time.
Human beings bring their own destruction upon themselves at times.
I wonder if animals ever laugh at us? 

Walking back and forth.
My hands entangled in my hair.
My hands entangled in my hair.
Walking back and forth until I know something is there waiting for me.
There is only this white wall and this white room.
Looking around with nothing to look at and my own words only echo in this room. 
Shut up!
Don’t say a a word just shhhhhhhhhhhhh, there is someone watching.
There is someone here.
Walking back and forth.
With my hands entangled in my hair.
Stop it! Stop screaming at me!
Curlilng up in a ball in this white room.
Shut up! There isn’t supposed to be anyone else here.
Just stay quiet!
Don’t you understand they are watching every move and I can’t talk right now.
Why don’t you understand?
Just keep quiet I will tell you later and stop asking me questions!
Crying in the middle of the floor and I know there watching I can feel them.
Just shhhhhhhhh, my mind needs some time so shhhhhhhh.
There is no reason for you to look at me like that all wild and crazed.  
My hands begin to pull my hair but it isn’t me.
Stop it I said stop!!!
What is wrong with you I slap the air but there is no one there.
You see what your doing your revealing my secret…
Weeping in this white room…
I begin to close my eyes and I enter I different world.
I begin to argue with myself as they watch me….
I know your watching….. 

The darkness has consumed my soul.
There was silence inside of my body.
I had no feeling left but anguish and loneliness.
The tears ran like the rain outside my window.
Wild and unruly.
As I sit here smoking like a chimney to numb out any other emotion that tried to come into my heart and soul.
The sound of the rain is comforting but my heart is dying.
Crying out for help but silence rings around me.
The sound of the rain is more comforting than my own touch.
Dreaming would be better than being wide awake in this cold room.
The anugish hurts so much it feels like this is the last day I will ever live.
It’s tearing up my heart on the inside but killing my soul.
The light in my eyes are dead.
My eyes have become dull and ugly.
The sound of my own voice scares me and makes me quiver in this dark room.
The cigarette is my only comfort and I puff it as if it were to heal my pain.
The dark room is so small room and its becoming even smaller.
The sound of the rain is talking to me inviting me into it’s wet world.
I take a step outside my door and let the rain drench me in its tears.
As mine flow down my own world.
I scream out towards the sky hoping it will hear me and scream back.
As thunder starts to swallow up the silence.
My cigarette is drenched but I no longer care.
I’m on my knees in tears and my soul is now dead.
There is no life in my eyes and the only comfort I have left is pain.
All the sounds around me are drowned out by the rain.
I hit the ground as hard as I can breaking my my fingers on by one.
As blood tickles down my arms and broken wrist.
I no longer feel in this world.
I no longer have a heart that beats and a soul that brings happiness into my heart.
I cry in the rain knowing nothing will ever change.
Knowing my efforts have all been a waste.
I get up and scream into the sky again.
When the one I loved stood there watching it all happen from the beginning to end.
I look into his eyes and he looks into mine.
Cringing from the sight that I am right now.
I begin to laugh but not out of happiness….
I just lost my mind to all the cruelties in the world.
I laugh because i am dead and there is no escaping the darkness once you let it take you whole. 
I stand and I cry with blood dripping onto the concrete.
I laugh until I can laugh no more and I cry until there are no more tears to be wept.
I stand there until I can not stand anymore.
I’m lost…. 

Thank you Lord for always being there for me.
Thank you God almighty for being the only man I can trust.
Thank you God for never leaving me when I need you the most.
God is the only man I trust. 

It felt like I was dreaming when I was really standing in reality.
The clouds passed by and the cars zoomed by.
Even then my mind was just trying to process what I had heard.
I was trying to understand how my past could be repeating its self.
It felt like a dream and reality never felt so real.
Numb on the inside and outside shattered like glass crashing towards the ground.
The impact of it shattered me and I was all over the place.
How can my past have been coming back up.
It’s like someone threw up in my face.
It was like all that trust I had with that person didn’t matter.
Evil and deceiving.
Always pretending to care when in reality there was nothing to trust.
Evil people with no hearts and only wanting to hurt the people I loved.
Not this time through because I stood up and I did not waiver.
I shared the same womb with my sister.
She had seen me suffer all those years and never left my side.
She had never once left me when I needed her the most.
Thinking about it makes me so angry and sad.
I thought that evil person was my friend.
That evil person destroyed my sister’s childhood. 
Teared it from her out of anger and evil.
She had been told once to never do that again.
However, the demon came and tore my sister apart.
The demon denied every bit of it in front of my face.
I can never forgive and forget someone who lies and does not want to make amends.  
I know when enough is enough.
Cutting these strings that are my bloodline.
Cutting them is the right choice I choose not to be a part of an evil bloodline. 

I can acknowledge a bloodline only if I want.
Their blood will always run in my veins but I am not one of them.
My mother’s blood runs stronger in our hearts and soul.
She is the one that has taught us how to love and let go.
This isn’t really a poem at all its a bit of the truth and a poem.
I am angry and this time everyone will know.
I am going to write a book and rewind back into time.
I am going to show the world your cruel ways and there is no way anyone can stop me.

There are those pretty little pink flowers floating down so softly towards the earth.
There is the scent of wood burning far off in the distance.
There is the soft touch of the grass and the morning dew that lingers on.
There is the blue sky with that one cloud hovering over my head.
The smell of burning wood is a lovely smell.
The flowers float down with gravity in such a delicate matter.
I reach out my hand to lightly touch one but miss.
I try to pick it up but it slips right through me.
The cloud isn’t so light anymore, it’s dark an menacing.
The smell of the wood is slowly being drifted away from my scent.
The grass isn’t so green anymore and the dew isn’t there.
Blinking the world changed around myself where I stand.
I blink again and things go back to being the same.
For a second I just wonder and think if I am just tired.
I touch my face but I can’t feel it. 
I go towards the little pond behind me.
To take a look at my reflection.
I see myself there and try to touch my face again but I can’t feel a thing.
The fish inside are swimming and some turtles sitting on the rocks bathing in the sun. 
I take a step into the pond and I don’t feel the cold.
I take another step and the water is at my waist.
I blink and the world changes around me.
The pond is empty and there is no life around myself.
I panic for a second and everything comes back as it used to be.
I look up at the sky and it’s bluer than ever. 
I blink again and I start to sink deep into the blue waters of the pond.
Something is dragging me down into the deep blue.
Blinking the water turns into the sky and the world around me begins to change.
Images that I have forgotten come back so rapidly it hurts my soul and makes me laugh.
I close my eyes in fear but the images don’t stop.
The world around me isn’t what I remember it being.
There are sounds all around me and I open my eyes.
I got lost in my head again waiting at the cross walk.
As people idly pass by and some stare from the bus stop.
I start to walk since I have the right of way, wondering how long I have been standing there….. 

As I sip this pink rosy wine that I taste and enjoy in my mouth.
I remember that everything in the world isn’t tainted.
There are those who are still good and love with a full heart.
There are people who love life and want to improve.
My fiance has brought spice and different perspectives into my life.
He has indulged me in the goods of life.
He was the first that I smoked weed with and I didn’t feel bad about it.
He shows me his affection day and night.
He tells me he loves me everyday and tries his best to get everything I want. 
There are only simple things I ask for and that’s for us to spend time together.
Life only comes around once and I want to spend every minute with his family and mine too.
I have never been so in love before in my life but I know a good man when I see him.
I am thankful God has blessed me with the man I have in my life today.
I am thankful God heard my prayers because there are not many men like him.
I am grateful to Jesus and God for everything. 
I have been blessed.

There are those who don’t appreciate what they have.
They take everything for granted and want more.
They don’t stop and think about what they have.
They don’t open their own eyes and really look around them.
They say you don’t understand and your just being a bitch.
They say your full of shit and fake.
Just because someone tells you something and opens your eyes to certain habits that doesn’t mean they want to hurt you.
They just letting you know they have seen worse and that they don’t want you to fall into that category.
They are only looking out for you and trying to help.
Not many are blessed to have a mother or father because their parent is there aunt or grandma.
There is that kid that doesn’t even know his colors or shapes because the family is scrapping to live.
I dislike greatly when I hear young children complain and cry over toys.
It breaks my heart because I know some of them don’t have shit.
However, there are those who are spoiled and selfish.
They don’t know what a hard life is like and they still don’t appreciate what they have.
However, they are just children hopefully they will grow.
What I really hate is when adults and young adults complain.
There is that child out there that just wants a pair of shoes or even a blanket.
Some even ask santa for their guardians to have a job.
Some write to bring back their parents because their all alone in a foster home.
Some wish there mom’s or papa’s would love them and not hit them as much.
Some wish they were dead and some don’t get to be children.
They have to grow up and hussle just to eat and have some where to sleep.
Many people but not all, do not appreciate what they have at home.
They keep saying you don’t understand my parents are so noisy and always want to know where I am.
That’s because they love you and want to know your living another day.
I’m not one to point fingers but my heart broke yesterday.
I broke down inside because I saw my baby Marcus.
He has no father or mother but grandma and auntie are there for him.
I saw my cousin who is like a sister to me break down in tears because the mother of Marcus doesn’t care about her son.
Running off with a man that almost killed her and her son.
My heart isn’t as strong as I thought but I love that boy with my heart.
I love any child because no child deserves to suffer it isn’t there fault they were born into the world.
I wouldn’t break a child’s hopes, dreams, or heart.
Children need to know what love is to grow and not be angry all the time.
I only pray to God that for everyone that has a home and has what they need that they appreciate it just a bit.
I pray for all those children who don’t have anything that God will hear your prayer babies.
My heart is just breaking replaying the images that will forever be in my head.
I pray to God that he protects every child in the world because we live in a lost world.